Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
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God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Best mom ever 😂
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.