“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
some Old Testament wisdom
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?