Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
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me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names