Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Woke up against my better judgement again
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?