Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
ready to be harvested
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me My dog
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.