[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
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Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
DOOO EEEET
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.