Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
You Might Also Like
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven