[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope