Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.