When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?