got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Girl, same.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.