No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.