An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.