My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.