My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
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Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
hi why am I like this
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.