What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
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Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Not messing around
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.