Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn鈥檛 flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I鈥檇 like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
scared to check what name she chose
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it鈥檚 Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Liquor store clerk: I鈥檓 gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.