Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”