Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Breakfast for Stoners:
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.