“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
#damn
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.