The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.