Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
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Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I love the honesty
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.