Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
pat pat
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this