*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
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Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I just love that new Pope smell.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.