[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
You Might Also Like
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Perfect.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks