Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
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I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
so weird how every mom was born today
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.