Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming