I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
…żyje?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.