All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again