Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
had to make it
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
“What?”
– Jude