The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
You Might Also Like
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
that colleague who touches your screen
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
A man of commitment.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
fr
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.