Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that