[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.