wtf is an acronym
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
RT if you could go either way.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Catercrombie & Fish
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are