I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me