FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.