“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
You Might Also Like
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
#dnd #ttrpg
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”