{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
when u come home smelling like another dog