[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.