My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband