My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.