One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer