me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.