TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Holy crap this is wonderful
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The Others (2001)
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy