When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.