[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
You Might Also Like
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Cause of death: Zumba
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.