NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs