I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The photographer’s assistant
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.