5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
The devil.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe