My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Hero horse inspires millions
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open